If u read this and know the importance of how i start this note than you have been reading my thots for a very long time. i gave it up when someone pointed it out and it was because i have a disdain for being seen transparent. i write these notes and the blogs and all the other shit i write never thinking for a moment that anyone pays attention to any of it. who knows maybe one day an archivist will scoop it all up and make somthing grand of it. name it the rise and slow decent of dreams passed by or somthing gloriously tragic along the same lines...................................................................................................... Well on that note let us begin.

It is 2:32 am and i am listening to "Siren song" by Bat for Lashes and i am feeling anxious but relaxed. which in all honesty is understandable as i smoked and have been in bed watching Mad men and a few movies and read a couple books in the past three days without leaving the house at all. uneventful? no i dont think so. consuming media is somthing i do in large quantities. more so than anyone else i know. i wish i could consume media and be paid for it! i know almost everything that is going on as i read alot of cnn.com and when i am able to stomach it ill even see different sides of subject by taking in Foxnews online as well. I go through music all day everyday and my playlist is constantly changing. i do this as i distract myself from the fact that i have not created in a few months now. i have shut down shop sorta speak and i think alot of it had to do with the fact that i was getting good at what i do. i was getting to a point that might make me succeed. might make me known. and that scares me more than anything because i dont want to stop loving my art. and where do go after u go there? what do u do without the struggle? will it be there on the other side? and then if it is is all of this really worth it?
I find myself fighting myself all the time and I'm not sure why. the only person that has ever stopped me from doing anything is me. i am too scared to run and too proud to be happy staying. so where am i? in a flux of self loathing and narcissism that could very much so astound. appall. and possibly mystify at the extent of my self involvement. relationships have become strained and i find myself needing them more as i grow older and i find myself desperate for intelligent conversation that doesn't consist of the mainstream pop culture. i would like to be around creative people again, discussing art again, discussing story and structure and style and a real depth i am so lacking in my life. i keep everyone at a constant distance because i don't want them to see how much of a freak i am. but i think I've already shown everyone that already. the cracks are there so i can see a little of the real world through them inside the glass case I've built for myself. the screens were lifted for a little while and i desperately clung to things hoping to rise to something greater than myself. it didn't work out too well. and i cant help but think that my great time has passed me by. my great contribution can no longer be made. that the person i was supposed to be, the mind i was meant to become, the blazing star in the chaos of all the shit storm we call life has blinked out of existence and all that's left is me. the shell of a once hopeful brilliance never realized. i suppose i will keep writing, keep drawing, keep imagining the worlds this one will never know. and my great contribution will be one no one will ever see. i suppose i will have to inspire myself and no one else. a universe inside of a universe.

SO i have been through the ringer these past few months. my day job has been increasingly difficult with people being completely incompetent. but thats not what this is about. this is about the amazing day i plan to have with two shoots in one day! its going to Fabulous! im going to put out some new shit very soon and im very pleased to be working with a model that ive been looking forward to workin with. hes got the aesthetic i want for more than a few things so well see how it goes today! good times will be had and better pictures to follow!
Oh ad ive been drawing some cool shit too! so im gonna put up some scans of those too! i think i might start redrawing the comic. go slow go page for page yknow?! oh to be inspired is just a great thing!

So now i jus finished a few more pieces and im pretty psyched about em. im going to continue with the idea of flowers on my face and go further with it. i think im gonna go ahead and do the headress shoot soon. which is really going to be somthing spectacular! Ive been shooting alot of queens of late and while that has been a really great experience and ive met some really great performers and fellow artists; i feel my art is lacking in the realm of being more expressive and on the level i am striving for. So im moving forward and going to be focusing more on the structural costumy and outright cazy imagery i have been known for! so its on Bitches!!! lets see what comes from the madness in my head!

So ya, i did the portrait "Mother Terror" and i think it came out pretty sick! well i did a big shoot with my gurl Jenaya and those came out dope too! well im gonna do a portrait of Maddelynn, who is my very own Drag Persona. Shes cute and pretty not like my other one who is more like the demon u wish u never saw and was afraid would eat ur first born! shes graceful and seductive. sultry is a word i would categorize with that awful bitch and im gonna bring her out to play. im excited as this will be the first portrait of her. she won a lil competition and is now going to the final competition on april 22nd. i hope it goes well and i hope shes well recieved. i think she will be well thas it for now. much more work to come!

Okay so; here's the thing. ive been workin alot with drag queens and doing like photoretouch work to do some amazing things with them. jus takin pics in the club and bringing all the shots into CS3 and making them look Ughmazing! and im really proud of what ive done so far. but i feel like its been tooooo easy. I feel i need to step it up a lil and so i think im going to do a self portrait tonight but im going to some crazy shit with lots of prep work. its going to be mostly makeup but i want the shot to be dead on with me looking into the camera (per yoooosh!) and so its going to invade the viewers space. but i wanna do a headress and a big thing with my latex and such. really go all the way. im gonna need a second pair of hands to take the shot but thas ok ill have bango come over and itll be great! well thas it. the shoot will happen tonight because im feeling the creative itch! yknow the kind that makes u wanna rip ur brains out thru ur ears!!!!! ya that. peace.