Zeiran

So here i am and a mission has been shaken. the goals are blurred, the conquest and the motivation gone. almost. The truth is i fucked up. the truth is i never really had a plan to begin with. I know i want home. I know i want to be comfortable. I know that in the end i want to be happy. To be alone with a little slice of this world to call my own. a place to have to call my own and to help others to find their way too. A place to have to nurture. to tell someone i love them and to know they love me back. unrequited has gotten boring. its gotten to the point where im clawing at any semblance of hope just to get to the light on the other side of the glimmer. Where will all these days bring me? where will it all find a peaceful resolve. will it or it that simply to much to expect. Im going to write it out. im going to tell the story that should be told and find a place for it on the shelf of my life. im going to finish this through and im going to print it out and put it together with a bow. I'm going to tell the story of this epic battle because the ones inside deserve to be known. There personalities, these souls i have given life to should know the world i know. And the world should know them too, because they are known so well to me. I have other stories to tell. Other lives to paint out but for now. for this. im going to get this battle done and over with because its been 5 years now and there has been too many distractions; too many losses. I have come to a many a epiphany in my life. so many realizations about myself and who i am, I know who i am now. I know what im capable of. And its now time to let you see the dreams i have inside. A work in progress for now, But my own glimmer has begun to show....

So ive returned to familiar surroundings and taken on a very Monkish lifestyle where i am very much so on my own. And very much in my own world. I have taken on a very big task of a sort of solitary confinement. Its forcing me to really focus on me. on my life. and my health. It's pretty fantastic. over the next several months i will be producing a large amount of pieces that will only catapult my skill level and knowledge of aesthetics and i find myself incredibly inspired by the whole thing! I have opportunities coming and i am very much so looking forward to them. I have also joined groups which is really exciting as well for it puts my thang on much broader stage in which to display my feathers sorta speak. Maybe ill even do a peacock inspired piece. UH oh i got an image. Maaahahahahaha i love when i get it in my head and ten i have to do it! well im also on a budget so it could take a lil while but as i said the amount of art i will produce will come over several months and it will be a self imposed intensive. im very optimistic about all of it! So until next time! i think i will try to comment on each piece give a little more about my inspiration and what was going on in my head at the time. hope everyone digs it!

If u read this and know the importance of how i start this note than you have been reading my thots for a very long time. i gave it up when someone pointed it out and it was because i have a disdain for being seen transparent. i write these notes and the blogs and all the other shit i write never thinking for a moment that anyone pays attention to any of it. who knows maybe one day an archivist will scoop it all up and make somthing grand of it. name it the rise and slow decent of dreams passed by or somthing gloriously tragic along the same lines...................................................................................................... Well on that note let us begin.

It is 2:32 am and i am listening to "Siren song" by Bat for Lashes and i am feeling anxious but relaxed. which in all honesty is understandable as i smoked and have been in bed watching Mad men and a few movies and read a couple books in the past three days without leaving the house at all. uneventful? no i dont think so. consuming media is somthing i do in large quantities. more so than anyone else i know. i wish i could consume media and be paid for it! i know almost everything that is going on as i read alot of cnn.com and when i am able to stomach it ill even see different sides of subject by taking in Foxnews online as well. I go through music all day everyday and my playlist is constantly changing. i do this as i distract myself from the fact that i have not created in a few months now. i have shut down shop sorta speak and i think alot of it had to do with the fact that i was getting good at what i do. i was getting to a point that might make me succeed. might make me known. and that scares me more than anything because i dont want to stop loving my art. and where do go after u go there? what do u do without the struggle? will it be there on the other side? and then if it is is all of this really worth it?
I find myself fighting myself all the time and I'm not sure why. the only person that has ever stopped me from doing anything is me. i am too scared to run and too proud to be happy staying. so where am i? in a flux of self loathing and narcissism that could very much so astound. appall. and possibly mystify at the extent of my self involvement. relationships have become strained and i find myself needing them more as i grow older and i find myself desperate for intelligent conversation that doesn't consist of the mainstream pop culture. i would like to be around creative people again, discussing art again, discussing story and structure and style and a real depth i am so lacking in my life. i keep everyone at a constant distance because i don't want them to see how much of a freak i am. but i think I've already shown everyone that already. the cracks are there so i can see a little of the real world through them inside the glass case I've built for myself. the screens were lifted for a little while and i desperately clung to things hoping to rise to something greater than myself. it didn't work out too well. and i cant help but think that my great time has passed me by. my great contribution can no longer be made. that the person i was supposed to be, the mind i was meant to become, the blazing star in the chaos of all the shit storm we call life has blinked out of existence and all that's left is me. the shell of a once hopeful brilliance never realized. i suppose i will keep writing, keep drawing, keep imagining the worlds this one will never know. and my great contribution will be one no one will ever see. i suppose i will have to inspire myself and no one else. a universe inside of a universe.

SO i have been through the ringer these past few months. my day job has been increasingly difficult with people being completely incompetent. but thats not what this is about. this is about the amazing day i plan to have with two shoots in one day! its going to Fabulous! im going to put out some new shit very soon and im very pleased to be working with a model that ive been looking forward to workin with. hes got the aesthetic i want for more than a few things so well see how it goes today! good times will be had and better pictures to follow!  
   Oh ad ive been drawing some cool shit too! so im gonna put up some scans of those too! i think i might start redrawing the comic. go slow go page for page yknow?! oh to be inspired is just a great thing!

So now i jus finished a few more pieces and im pretty psyched about em. im going to continue with the idea of flowers on my face and go further with it. i think im gonna go ahead and do the headress shoot soon. which is really going to be somthing spectacular! Ive been shooting alot of queens of late and while that has been a really great experience and ive met some really great performers and fellow artists; i feel my art is lacking in the realm of being more expressive and on the level i am striving for. So im moving forward and going to be focusing more on the structural costumy and outright cazy imagery i have been known for! so its on Bitches!!! lets see what comes from the madness in my head!